tap the book to open
beyond words
a birthday scrapbook
Dear Khadija,
Pardon my handwriting, pardon my words, and pardon me for being too much. No matter how much I write, I know it will never be enough to capture what’s in my heart.
It’s been a long time since I saw you. So I made this — to hold the moments, so they don’t fade with time.
Whether you ever read it — today, tomorrow, or never — it will always belong to you.
with love,
Amina
i
how you arrived
I am afraid of friends. I don’t make friends. I don’t fall in love. I don’t say I love you. I stay away.
And then this girl with a beautiful soul — in the gym, on a random day. We played. We talked. My heart really liked the innocence, the pureness, the beauty of her heart.
1
And one day, on a very tough day, she went so out of the way and saved a life of my loved one.
After that, she got a piece of my heart which she even doesn’t know.
She has been so thoughtful, so respectful, so kind to me, that my heart kept expanding for her — the love, the warmth.
and then I started praying for her
in every namaz. every
time.
2
إِنَّ مَعَ ٱلْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
Indeed, with hardship comes ease.
That was my mushkil waqt. And the asani — the asani was you. Aapko bheja ALLAH ne.
You always say you didn’t do much. You don’t realise — you didn’t have to. Just being you was enough.
3
Main soch rahi thi ke ALLAH kabhi kabhi jab insaan ko apni taraf bulana chahta hai, to shayad woh aise insaan bhej deta hai jo ek pyari example ki surat mein aapko nazar aate hain — aur aapka dil bhi mazeed mayal hone lagta hai apne Rabb ki taraf.
Khadija…… it’s you.
4
maghrib, at the gym
I forgot my aftari. I only had my water bottle. You were in uni. I still don’t know how you managed it.
Your driver wasn’t home. Your younger brother dropped you between your class. You came all the way — for me.
5
us. timeless.
every single effort
is precious to me
6
the parrot notebook
You know I love animals, birds. You know I have a parrot who is my son. You saw a notebook in a store because its cover had parrots — and you couldn’t resist buying one for me.
it reminded me of you, you said.
7
I went silent in front of you. I didn’t react. I didn’t jump with happiness.
I went to the washroom. I cried. There were so many tears and so much happiness stuck in my throat.
I came home and still hadn’t said thank you. I don’t know in what words, in what language, how it would ever be enough.
8
when I was in pain
I could see it in your eyes — you were noticing every bit. Whenever the ball fell, you got it for me, so I wouldn’t have to bend down.
You weren’t even feeling well. Still you kept asking me if I was okay, if we should stop.
Then you asked your elder sister to stop her workout and help me with stretches. And you kept telling her to be gentler — though she was already gentle enough.
that’s the heart you have.
9
10:25 pm — you called
I was very, very low. I didn’t tell you. You called on your own. You stayed for an hour.
I could never have imagined, not even in my dream, that one day you would call — just for me. Without me saying a word.
The exhaustion, the pain, everything I had been carrying — it didn’t disappear, but it softened.
10
You were tired. You weren’t well. You have asthma, you started coughing. And still — you stayed.
You slept, and I didn’t end the call. I kept listening to you sleeping. The sound of your breathing. The feel of a human being being there, for me.
I finally found sleep with my earbud in. And when I woke up, you were still there. The call was still going.
11
the surprise
And your note — that weighted most of everything.
I don’t know how to hold this much love. I sat there silent. Heran. Khamosh.
12
Meray Pyaray Ustaad,
(My) life was a canvas, dark and bare,
Allah planned to paint with care.
He brushed on colour, pure and bright,
Breathing life into the night.In your form, the colours came alive,
Transforming my world, helping me thrive.
While the canvas was once devoid of light,
With you, it blossomed, vivid & bright.وَلَسَوْفَ يُعْطِيكَ رَبُّكَ فَتَرْضَىٰ
Alhamdulillah for you × infinity.
With love, your Kaka.
13
You didn’t only write it. You painted it.
I had no words of my own that day. Too sacred to express. Too quiet to speak. Too full to put into words.
too much for language,
too little for the moment.
14
I sent you a poem — say my salam when you go to Roza-e-Rasool ﷺ. You said, why not.
And then you called me from there. A video call, from the view where the Roza and the mosque were visible.
when I picked up, you said:
say salam.
15
I went numb.
I turned my video off.
I said my salam.
And I cried.
On this earth, if my heart craves for a place like nothing else, it yearns for Makkah, Madina. And you carried me there for a minute.
16
what you did to my life
After seeing you, somehow the course of my life shifted. More towards ALLAH. More towards goodness in everything.
I am not her reflection, and I am not a good person. But I want to be. I am on that journey.
17
I used to feel my heart was so empty that nothing was left in it. Until the moment you happened.
Mujhe aapse dar lagta hai. Jinse hum pyar karte hain, unse darte hain. Aapke paas koi bohat keemti cheez ho, to aap bohat pyar se, bohat dar ke, sambhal ke rakho ge. Ab itna pyara insaan…
My heart didn’t ever meet this kind of energy. So profound. So powerful. It aches — not a bad ache. It’s just too full.
18
every friday of ramadan
I couldn’t bring flowers anymore, so I sent a sticky note each Friday instead. In Arabic — because I started learning it after you.
19
A few days ago I saw a knitted sunflower and instantly knew I wanted to give it to you. Small, nothing extraordinary, no loud appearance.
I’m always afraid of being too much. Too present, too noticeable. I only try if it can bring the faintest smile. If yes — everything is worth it.
20
Happy birthday, Khadija
a dua for you, today
May ALLAH bless you with every good thing in both worlds. May He give you ease in your hardest moments, and answers to the prayers you don’t even speak out loud.
May your heart feel the warmth you so beautifully give to others — and even more.
May He return to you tenfold the kindness you give so effortlessly. May you always find peace in your heart, light in your path, and Jannah at the end of your journey.
Ameen.
21
I don’t know if I will ever learn how to be brief. Or how to say less, when my heart feels so much.
This is only one part of my heart about you. You hold much, much more.
and still —
I am happy that you exist.
Amina
22
