Khadija

my scrapbook

all of it is you

Khadija,

It’s August 2026. I’m sitting here going back through everything — every memory, every message — and putting it all in one place. For you.

I write it the way I used to talk to you. Like you’re right here in front of me.

Pardon my handwriting, pardon my words, and pardon me for being too much. No matter how much I write, it will never be enough to capture what’s in my heart.

As you wrote in “I Surrender” — no matter what I inscribe in a poem, it will never suffice, so I surrender. This may not always make sense. At least it’s all I can offer in words.

whether you ever read it —
today, tomorrow or never —
it will always belong to you.

how it started

You know this about me. I was always afraid of friends. I never really made friends. I never let myself fall in love, or say it out loud. I stayed away.

And then you came. With this beautiful soul. In gym, on a random day. We played, we talked. And then we met again after some days, and had a good time.

My heart really liked the innocence, the pureness and beauty of your heart.

And one day, on a very tough day, you went so out of your way and saved the life of someone I loved. After that, you had a piece of my heart — you didn’t even know it.

You were so thoughtful, so respectful and so kind to me, that my heart kept expanding for you. The love. The warmth.

and then I started praying for you.
in namaz. a lot.

january 2025

I remember texting you when I was feeling very low. I thought I would simply ask you ke dua karna mere liye. But somehow our conversation turned long.

Aur don’t worry, apke liye nafil mai parh dungi okayy.

How? How, in this life, had I met a person who would go to this extent — for me?

I don’t wanna say I love you. But Khadija — you are a blessing to me. I love ALLAH Mian more for sending you in my life.

How beautifully ALLAH SWT had plotted you into my life. I never took my pains and bad days badly. Yes, I cried, I got low, but never in a negative way.

Agar din bura na hua hota, agar dil aisa na udaas ho raha hota, agar aap na milte — to how could I have reached the point where a person would say this to me?

I always used to say Alhamdulillah after every pain or suffering — whatever turned me a bit closer to ALLAH, or made me realise the blessings He sends us.

YOU ARE THE BLESSING.

Main soch rahi thi ke ALLAH kabhi kabhi jab insaan ko apni taraf bulana chahta hai, to shayad woh aise insaan bhej deta hai jo ek pyari example ki surat mein aapko nazar aate hain.

Khadija…… it’s you.

Then I sent you some reels, talked to you, and I didn’t know how — while cooking and everything, talking to you — my heart found so much peace.

thank you for being yourself.
I am blessed.

3 february 2025

إِنَّ مَعَ ٱلْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا

Yaqeenan mushkil ke saath asani hai.

Mera woh mushkil waqt tha. Aur asani, asani aap thi. Aapko bheja ALLAH ne.

Jab aap meri life mein aayi, aap lively, bohat zinda dil, aur khoobsurat insaan lagti thi, aur main sirf dil mein appreciate karti thi, aur MashaALLAH kehti thi.

Aap kehte thay ke aapne kuch nahi kiya. Aapke mere dil mein itna ehteraam hai jo alfaaz mein nahi aa sakta.

Mujhe aapse dar lagta hai. Jinse hum pyar karte hain, unse darte hain. Aapke paas koi bohat keemti cheez ho, to aap bohat pyar se, bohat dar ke, sambhal ke rakho ge. Ab itna pyara insaan.

12 february 2025

I was fasting, and at maghrib I had to be in gym. I forgot to pack aftari. I just had my water bottle. I texted in a fun way — boysss mera aaj roza hai.

And you. You were in uni. I didn’t know how you managed. You specially came to gym at the time of maghrib.

• dates of Madina
• ab-e-zamzam
• a slice of pizza
• lasagna that your dearest sister made

You came all the way for me even when your driver was not available at home. Your younger brother dropped you in between his own class.

how do I tell you
every single effort
is how much precious to me.

us.

the parrot notebook

You know I love animals, and you know I have a parrot who is my son. So when you saw a notebook with parrots on it, you bought it for me.

you said it reminded you of me.
you couldn’t resist.

I went silent in front of you. I didn’t jump with happiness. I went silent.

I went to washroom. I cried. And there was so much tears and happiness stuck in my throat.

17 february 2025 — monday

I was in gym. I didn’t do any exercise because I was in pain. When you were around I could see in your eyes that you were noticing every bit.

Whenever the ball fell on the floor while we played, you were trying to get it for me so that I don’t have to bend down.

Despite you had some kind of dizziness that day, you kept asking me for myself. I did know you were also not very fine. But you…

Then you asked your elder sister, who stopped in the middle of her own workout and helped me with stretches for my back. It’s the heart that you have.

21 february 2025

That day I was feeling very very very low. And I didn’t tell you. But you called me on your own. We talked for an hour.

I could not even imagine you called me. I could not even imagine in my dream that one day you would call me like that. Just for me.

no words can ever convey thanks.
but you, and your precious time —
it means much more than.

24 february 2025

You called me. And talked to me for hours. We just talked about random things. And it felt like a warm hug. A peace. I don’t have words.

You had asthma, and started coughing like never before. I didn’t know what to do. But you were there. You slept and I didn’t end the call.

At 10:25 pm you called. And from the moment I heard your voice, the exhaustion, the pain, everything I had been carrying for days — it softened. Something in me settled.

27 february 2025

It was one of the most blessed days of my life. I was suffering with back pain, tired and sick — mentally, physically, emotionally.

You, and one other gem in the gym, were there with me on one of the lowest days of my life. I can never pay that back.

You arranged a surprise for me. Because before Ramadan it was the only working day all 3 of us would meet.

And your note. That weighed more than everything else.

• white roses — jisme hum teeno ki tasveerein
• boxes of biryani — my fav thing ever
• a plate full of onions — i love onions
• cupcakes — chocolate cakes
• homemade pasta
• a painting

Meray Pyaray Ustaad,

(My) life was a canvas, dark and bare,
Allah planned to paint with care.
He brushed on colour, pure and bright,
Breathing life into the night.

In your form (Ustaad), the colours came alive,
Transforming my world, helping me thrive.
With you, it blossomed, vivid & bright.

وَلَسَوْفَ يُعْطِيكَ رَبُّكَ فَتَرْضَىٰ

With love, Your Kaka. 😊

27 february 2025 — 4:51 pm

You gave it to me. You painted it yourself. I had no words of my own that day — too sacred, too quiet, too full to put into words.

too much for language,
too little for the moment.

1 march 2025

It was the last day of my gym before Ramadan. And you especially came to meet me. When the moon of Ramadan was sighted, you were the first to call and wish me Ramadan Mubarak. Then you entered gym and hugged me.

It will never be enough time with you, no matter how much you give and spend. But even if you don’t come, I am happy that you exist.

Of course I missed you. I still talk to ALLAH about you, even when you’re not there. I have memories in my phone of you that I’ll keep for a lifetime.

I just wish you best life
and best Ramadan ever.

ramadan 2025 — fridays

I used to give you flowers. It was simple, just something I did. I hadn’t been going to gym much because of my back pain, and it hit me — I missed that.

• رمضان مبارك — Ramadan Mubarak Khadija, you are light
• جمعة مباركة — you are Naimat from Allah
• بارك الله فيك — you are in my heartfelt prayers

I was always afraid of being too much. Too present, too persistent, too noticeable. I didn’t want to be anything but a quiet presence.

When you deactivated your Instagram, removed your WhatsApp DP — I didn’t want to intrude, not even in the smallest way. I respected that.

One day I saw a knitted sunflower and instantly knew I wanted to give it to you. It was small, nothing loud about it.

It made me happy to buy it, knowing it was meant for you. Especially when I couldn’t send real flowers. I had no one to share that with — you were too precious to me for that.

No matter what I decide, the thing is… I appreciate you. You are in my prayers.

ramadan 2025 — you went for Umrah

On this earth if a place my heart craves for like no thing else, it yearns for Makkah, Madina, Umrah. My heart was happy for you, and sad too, because I also wanted to be there.

I sent you a video — a poet saying say my salam when you go to Roza-e-Rasool ﷺ. And you said why not.

But you know. You called me from there. From the view where Roza and mosque was visible. A video call.

when I picked up,
you said — say salam.

I went numb. I turned my video off. Said my salam. And cried.

2 may 2025

You came to gym, and after so long, we played table tennis again. I was happy. Really happy. After all that time, the game still felt the same.

some moments you don’t need to explain.
just two paddles,
and a game that brings us back together.

what you did to me

After seeing you, somehow the course of my life shifted. More towards ALLAH. More towards goodness in everything.

• I started praying 5 times a day
• I offered Taraweeh first time
• I got to know I can laugh
• I got to know I have more love in me to give
• I started learning Arabic, inspired by you

august 2025

You gave me a small digital tasbeeh counter. The way you gave it — no big talk. Just… this is for you.

I am not even your reflection or a good person. But I want to be. I am on that journey. You have sparked something within me.

29 november 2025

Last time we met. You came to gym. All the way from Lahore. To surprise me. On my birthday.

I didn’t know it would be the last time I saw you. I just knew I was very happy.

1 december 2025

As far as I remember, last time I left flowers for you. In gym. With a letter. I used to do that — it was simple, just something I did.

I didn’t know that would be the last time I left them there for you.

30 january 2026 — friday

In Jan 2026, I went for Umrah. First time in my life. And first time ever touching the Holy Kaaba. On a blessed Friday.

That counter was in my hand — the one you gave me, all the way back in August. Standing there, touching the Kaaba, and it was in my hand.

I don’t have words for this one.
ALLAH knows.

august 2026

And now it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. But I still talk to ALLAH about you. In duas. In thoughts. In this scrapbook. In the things I kept.

I have memories in my phone of you that I will keep for lifetime. I look at them when I miss you.

Even if you don’t come, I am happy that you exist.

I don’t have words. The feeling is so constant. You are a blessing to me. I love ALLAH more for sending you.

Happy birthday, Khadija

I made this because I haven’t seen you in a long time. And I wanted to wish you. So I will send it.

This is only one part of my heart about you. You hold much more.

a dua for you

JazakALLAH Khair, not just for what you did, but for the heart you have. For the way you care, the way you remember, the way you show up.

May ALLAH always bless you with ease in your hardest moments, with answers to the prayers you don’t even speak out loud. May He fill your life with people who notice your needs before you say them.

May He protect you from every hardship, replace every sorrow with joy, and grant you barakah in everything — your health, your rizq, your time, your relationships.

May you always find peace in your heart, light in your path, and Jannah at the end of your journey. And may ALLAH return to you tenfold the kindness you give so effortlessly.

Ameen.

Sorry that it’s too lengthy. I don’t know if I will ever know how to be brief, or how to say less, when my heart feels so much.

Thank you for being yourself. ALLAH bless you with every good thing in both worlds.

I am blessed.

Amina